Let’s go somewhere where we can see the Stars

I was out on the terrace when this struck me. Looking at the sky, the only thing that bothered me was that I could barely see any stars. It is not a particularly cloudy night, au contraire, it is rather clear, but all I can see is  a handful of stars scattered across the sky. I don’t know why, or how, but that bothers me. The lack of star that is.
To be honest, this sounded fancier in my head when I thought of the title to the post, when I looked at the dark sky. Now as I struggle to write this very line, I feel stupid. But I guess that’s what makes this post this post. I recently watched a movie, which ended with two characters talking against a beautiful scenic backdrop. One of them turns to the other and says that they must seize the moment, and the other almost immediately replies, that it is the moment that seizes them, and not the other way around. That’s exactly how I feel right now. Seized.
The past few months have been turbulent. Due to a lot of factors, especially mine. But one thing about today is that I no longer see the stars in the sky. That worries me. The stars will guide you home, they said when I cried. How am I supposed to let them guide me, when I can’t see them? Is blindly, wildly groping in the dark the solution? I don’t know. There is so much we don’t know, doesn’t it bother anyone? How doesn’t it?
I pretty much need to stabilise myself right now, and in the absence of my guide(s), is when I ironically find the answer to my conundrum. Maybe we need to be our own stars, our own guides, our own stabiliser. Maybe it’s time we let go of what the past was, and build on the present.
Somehow, I always felt that we as humans, always behave in contradictions. Why do these contradictions arise? I guess we are not equipped to let our mind and our heart function in tandem. They simply can’t. In the race to decide who wins, both of them lose, while contradiction wins. So what do we do? Embrace the contradiction.
Yes, it is okay to be someone who likes to read, and not read at the same time. Yes, it is okay to ruin your life, and hate yourself for it. Yes, it is okay to look up at the sky and want more stars, and at the same time, lie on the cold, dirty floor and look up at the sky to revel in the beauty of those couple of stars out there. Yes, it is okay. Yes, Yes, Yes, it actually is okay!
I know this piece doesn’t make sense, and I guess it is best kept that way. Sometimes an abrupt end is the only end we get. But until we know it is the end, I don’t want to stop searching for a better end. Let’s get knocked down, let’s make mistakes, but more than anything, let’s go somewhere where we can see the stars.

14 things I learnt in 2014

  1. Life is not easy. It is never going to be easy. You always will have to fight back.
  2. Happiness is in moments. But more importantly, it lasts as long as you want it to.
  3. It is not the one who stays when you’re alright, but the one who stays when you’re down and out, who matters.
  4. Forgiving is tough. Forgetting and losing someone you love is tougher.
  5. Just because someone says something to you with your best interest at heart,  doesn’t mean that’s your heart’s best interest.
  6. What you see, is not what it is. What it is, is not what you see.
  7. Good people do bad things. Their actions are bad, not them.
  8. Overthinking is never the solution. Stop it. (My wit for the day- ” When you’re overthinking, thinking over”).
  9. Some questions will never have answers.
  10. When that inner voice says something, listen to it. Always trust your gut.
  11. Not all your decisions will be right.
  12. It is not always your fault. Sometimes things happen without you even raising an eyebrow.
  13. Dreams are just dreams.
  14. Hope is everything.

Of Rants

The human mind is a onerous wonder. The sheer capacity of the thoughts it can tolerate is overwhelming. Scary as well. A lot of what I write here will not make sense to you. You see, I promised myself that I am not going to look back at the negative time of 2014, and just focus on the positives. So what comes out here, is a story without a context. A drama without a script. But that’s okay I suppose. I am not writing for you anyway. I am writing, because I need to get things off my mind, because I frankly have reached maximum thought capacity. So just like Dumbledore offloading his memories into a pensive, I’ll try my luck doing the same here.

I feel…dejected and lonely right now. I chose to be alone tonight, because that’s how I have always done New Year’s. But somehow, somewhere in the need to be alone, lies a desperate plea for attention; andcompany. Do you know that feeling you seemingly just can’t shake off? The one which makes you predict inevitable doom and sadness? The gut feeling that makes you think that things are going to go wrong? That’s the one. I want this to be a fresh start. One of my favorite TV show characters once said something, which is accurate to describe my anticipation and feeling for this upcoming year

But that’s the magic of New Year’s.
When that clock strikes midnight, we all get a fresh start.
And I don’t know about you, but I could really use one.

I really can use a fresh start, but somehow I have this sense of forbearance that the start will be stale. Rotten. That I am doomed to suffer, just like I did in this year. What if this year is worse than the previous one?

Oh! Another thing you should know about me. I overthink. In fact, I overthink so much, that I overthink about whether or not I overthink about overthinking. Anyway, while I was on one of my overthinking sprees, I ended up thinking about a Phoenix. I always was mystified by the mythological creature. Fiercely loyal and loving, they go to any extent to protect the ones they care about. But here’s the curious thing. Phoenixes never die. These bright red and yellow birds simply burn and reemerge from their ashes. Seems cool right? It is.

Have you ever thought about what the phoenix thinks though? Essentially, the only way for a phoenix that is hurt or aged or simply wants to escape, is self-immolation. Think about it. What was the first phoenix thinking? It probably burned itself to escape from a horrible life. But it got him a fresh start. The pain, the fire, the burning, all of these were just necessary elements in the process of survival. Maybe that’s what my pain is. Maybe that’s what everything I am feeling right now is. The fire before the rebirth. The phoenix gives me hope. I hope the new year is good. I hope that this is my trial and the future, my salvation. Who knows?

I’ll end this abruptly as I don’t know what else to say(or to write).

Rebirth