Let’s go somewhere where we can see the Stars

I was out on the terrace when this struck me. Looking at the sky, the only thing that bothered me was that I could barely see any stars. It is not a particularly cloudy night, au contraire, it is rather clear, but all I can see is  a handful of stars scattered across the sky. I don’t know why, or how, but that bothers me. The lack of star that is.
To be honest, this sounded fancier in my head when I thought of the title to the post, when I looked at the dark sky. Now as I struggle to write this very line, I feel stupid. But I guess that’s what makes this post this post. I recently watched a movie, which ended with two characters talking against a beautiful scenic backdrop. One of them turns to the other and says that they must seize the moment, and the other almost immediately replies, that it is the moment that seizes them, and not the other way around. That’s exactly how I feel right now. Seized.
The past few months have been turbulent. Due to a lot of factors, especially mine. But one thing about today is that I no longer see the stars in the sky. That worries me. The stars will guide you home, they said when I cried. How am I supposed to let them guide me, when I can’t see them? Is blindly, wildly groping in the dark the solution? I don’t know. There is so much we don’t know, doesn’t it bother anyone? How doesn’t it?
I pretty much need to stabilise myself right now, and in the absence of my guide(s), is when I ironically find the answer to my conundrum. Maybe we need to be our own stars, our own guides, our own stabiliser. Maybe it’s time we let go of what the past was, and build on the present.
Somehow, I always felt that we as humans, always behave in contradictions. Why do these contradictions arise? I guess we are not equipped to let our mind and our heart function in tandem. They simply can’t. In the race to decide who wins, both of them lose, while contradiction wins. So what do we do? Embrace the contradiction.
Yes, it is okay to be someone who likes to read, and not read at the same time. Yes, it is okay to ruin your life, and hate yourself for it. Yes, it is okay to look up at the sky and want more stars, and at the same time, lie on the cold, dirty floor and look up at the sky to revel in the beauty of those couple of stars out there. Yes, it is okay. Yes, Yes, Yes, it actually is okay!
I know this piece doesn’t make sense, and I guess it is best kept that way. Sometimes an abrupt end is the only end we get. But until we know it is the end, I don’t want to stop searching for a better end. Let’s get knocked down, let’s make mistakes, but more than anything, let’s go somewhere where we can see the stars.

Why is it worth it?

Life’s not easy. Life’s hard. Life has its pitfalls. But, life is beautiful. Life has a lot in store for you. Life is worth it. This is how most posts about life or inspiration or spirituality or the rest end. The world is full of people trying to tell each other that life is worth it. If it really is worth it, why are so many people still unconvinced?

The truth is, life is not as perfect as everyone says it is. Life is a bitch. She makes you happy, and then makes you sad. She makes you joyful, and then she makes you miserable. If she was really worth it, would she do this?

The answer is yes. Yes, she would. The problem, you see, is with us. We as a species, are a selfish bunch. Greedy, needy and selfish. We conquer a city, we want the province. We capture the province, we want the country. We get the country, we want the world. The cycle is endless. The worst part is that we always anticipate things. Even the most casual, most relaxed one amongst us, expects things and plans out how things will be. Don’t say you don’t. Do you plan on waking up in the morning? Do you plan on reading the rest of this piece? All your decisions, expressions, actions, everything is based on a hope, an expectation. That expectation is that the next second will occur, and you’ll have it to do what you decide to do with it. One of my favourite architects once put it beautifully “The great moments of your life won’t necessarily be the things you do; they’ll also be the things that happen to you. Now, I’m not saying you can’t take action to affect the outcome of your life, you have to take action, and you will. But never forget that on any day, you can step out the front door and your whole life can change forever. You see, the universe has a plan kids, and that plan is always in motion. A butterfly flaps its wings, and it starts to rain. It’s a scary thought but it’s also kind of wonderful. All these little parts of the machine constantly working, making sure that you end up exactly where you’re supposed to be, exactly when you’re supposed to be there. The right place at the right time.

That exactly is what we need to survive. I am going to be completely honest and frank with you, and tell you that I found this piece lying on my laptop, abandoned until the last sentence, and I find it really difficult to pick it up midway through. But in a way, it somehow makes me glad and iterate the exact same thing I wrote months ago. You never know how life will work out. You’ll do a good deed and get betrayed. You’ll stab someone in the back and find a pot of gold. Something we as humans have to understand is that, life, is not fair. It is never uniform. You can never fully understand why, or when, or how, or what, or where, something happened, happens or will happen. What you can do is accept, and move on. It is not going to be easy. It is not going to be quick. You’ll be haunted by the ghost of the past. You’ll be bogged down by it, beaten by its traces. Everyone around you will try and help you, will tell you to leave it behind, but will fail to accept the same advice when something similar hits them. So breathe. Relax. Life’s worth it, because it has everything to offer. Think about it. Do we ever crib or cry when we win? or when something goes right? Then why do when it doesn’t?

Here’s a secret( actually not, I just gave it away in the previous paragraph). I’m myself going to not be able to take this advice, and probably will cry about how things are wrong in my life. But you know what? All of us need to be told this, this piece of advice. It needs to be present at the back of our mind. I don’t know where, but I read something which roughly equated to this- “Be the person you needed in your time of trouble”. I guess that’s what this piece has eventually become. Me, trying to be the person I need. I probably don’t know you, but all I ask for, is this. Just read this whenever you feel low. Read it again, and again, and again, and one more time. Keep reading until you don’t want to read more. I don’t know if it’ll help or make your life better, but it definitely will tell you why it is worth it.

Last night I woke up

Last night I woke up,
and stared at her face.
I woke up,
and she stared back.

I woke up and saw her face,
delicate and soft like wax,
the melting suspended,
the beauty haunting.

I woke up and saw her smile,
warm, reassuring and yet eery,
the mystery troubling,
Yet the enigma calming.

I woke up and saw her eyes,
Deeper than the shallowest pools,
Shallower than the deepest oceans,
the charm inviting,
the fear cautioning.

I woke up and saw her hands,
resting perfectly on mine,
feeling finally at home,
right where they belong,
and somehow where they belong not.

I woke up and saw her lips,
softly kissing mine,
I opened my eyes and counted the freckles,
The feeling enchanting,
The emotion pure.

I rubbed my eyes,
and the illusion broke.
I smiled, and waited.
Waited for the phone to ring,
but it never did.

Was it an eternity that passed,
or a second prolonged?
I turned and shut my eyes,
The phone rang, and her voice echoed.
The smile returned, the night had begun.

Where is love?

Show us, they said
A sad chuckle escaped my lips,
Marvelling at the wilful blindness
Like Braille, I made them feel

It’s not in the picture of her and I smiling at the camera
Nor is it in the gifts you see
Then where, they persist
A blind man’s patience for colour is thin

It’s in our hands when they intwine,
and in our eyes when we’re together, or not.
It’s in her letter and in her letters
It’s in her smile, it’s in her laughter.

Tell us more, they muttered mesmerized
A small smile adorned my face
As she walked in with the same

It’s in his words and his emotions
It’s in his kiss, or rather our’s
It’s in our hands when they intwine,
It’s in his smile, it’s in his laughter.

Spellbound and stunned, they stared
As we put the finishing touches,to our potrait of passion,together.
And that kids, I said
is where it always is.

Where what is, asked the oldest
Having missed the start
I looked into those brown eyes and
said exactly what I saw, love.

14 things I learnt in 2014

  1. Life is not easy. It is never going to be easy. You always will have to fight back.
  2. Happiness is in moments. But more importantly, it lasts as long as you want it to.
  3. It is not the one who stays when you’re alright, but the one who stays when you’re down and out, who matters.
  4. Forgiving is tough. Forgetting and losing someone you love is tougher.
  5. Just because someone says something to you with your best interest at heart,  doesn’t mean that’s your heart’s best interest.
  6. What you see, is not what it is. What it is, is not what you see.
  7. Good people do bad things. Their actions are bad, not them.
  8. Overthinking is never the solution. Stop it. (My wit for the day- ” When you’re overthinking, thinking over”).
  9. Some questions will never have answers.
  10. When that inner voice says something, listen to it. Always trust your gut.
  11. Not all your decisions will be right.
  12. It is not always your fault. Sometimes things happen without you even raising an eyebrow.
  13. Dreams are just dreams.
  14. Hope is everything.

Of Rants

The human mind is a onerous wonder. The sheer capacity of the thoughts it can tolerate is overwhelming. Scary as well. A lot of what I write here will not make sense to you. You see, I promised myself that I am not going to look back at the negative time of 2014, and just focus on the positives. So what comes out here, is a story without a context. A drama without a script. But that’s okay I suppose. I am not writing for you anyway. I am writing, because I need to get things off my mind, because I frankly have reached maximum thought capacity. So just like Dumbledore offloading his memories into a pensive, I’ll try my luck doing the same here.

I feel…dejected and lonely right now. I chose to be alone tonight, because that’s how I have always done New Year’s. But somehow, somewhere in the need to be alone, lies a desperate plea for attention; andcompany. Do you know that feeling you seemingly just can’t shake off? The one which makes you predict inevitable doom and sadness? The gut feeling that makes you think that things are going to go wrong? That’s the one. I want this to be a fresh start. One of my favorite TV show characters once said something, which is accurate to describe my anticipation and feeling for this upcoming year

But that’s the magic of New Year’s.
When that clock strikes midnight, we all get a fresh start.
And I don’t know about you, but I could really use one.

I really can use a fresh start, but somehow I have this sense of forbearance that the start will be stale. Rotten. That I am doomed to suffer, just like I did in this year. What if this year is worse than the previous one?

Oh! Another thing you should know about me. I overthink. In fact, I overthink so much, that I overthink about whether or not I overthink about overthinking. Anyway, while I was on one of my overthinking sprees, I ended up thinking about a Phoenix. I always was mystified by the mythological creature. Fiercely loyal and loving, they go to any extent to protect the ones they care about. But here’s the curious thing. Phoenixes never die. These bright red and yellow birds simply burn and reemerge from their ashes. Seems cool right? It is.

Have you ever thought about what the phoenix thinks though? Essentially, the only way for a phoenix that is hurt or aged or simply wants to escape, is self-immolation. Think about it. What was the first phoenix thinking? It probably burned itself to escape from a horrible life. But it got him a fresh start. The pain, the fire, the burning, all of these were just necessary elements in the process of survival. Maybe that’s what my pain is. Maybe that’s what everything I am feeling right now is. The fire before the rebirth. The phoenix gives me hope. I hope the new year is good. I hope that this is my trial and the future, my salvation. Who knows?

I’ll end this abruptly as I don’t know what else to say(or to write).

Rebirth